Friday, June 10, 2005

here comes the weekend...

Every shape of every word you say that breaks the silence of an ordinary day.
Every look that seems to mystify, every single smile that spins me to the sky.
It makes me wanna run, it makes me wanna hide.
Cos you're the only one that makes me come alive.
It's getting closer now and darker by the hour.

Every breath, every vision you make. Every chance in love; you love to take.
Every move that seems to alter my world. Every dream I've had about this boy and this girl.
It makes me wanna run, it makes me wanna hide
cos you're the only one that makes my love alive and time is running fast into a new goodbye.

It only goes to show that here it comes, here comes the weekend,
another walk down that lonely lane, another Sunday that feels the same.

Here it comes, here comes the weekend.
The fine line from pleasure to pain is making me cry.
When will I see you again?

- ROX 'the' ETTE -

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

sick...

i'm sick... sore throat... major flu... feel my head like a size of a air balloon... body hurts... had a great fall just now... still bleeding... but still thankful that i'm alive... it's about time i got sick...

even with my head pounding like hell... i managed to go thru the days... attend meetings and discussion... i need my rest... i guess i look miserable at this time of the day... who cares...


I love the sunrise on a warm summers day;
"Rise and shine," it seems to say.
We roll over in pain, and get out of our beds;
Time to get ready, to take our meds.

These when your stomach's empty, these when it's full;
They all make you sick, and that's no bull.
One is supposed, to make you feel better;
With this one, you'll feel like a go-getter.

Purple, pink, orange and blue;
These are green and the white ones, take two.
Today I don't feel, quite so swollen;
Time for me to get Rockin and Rollin.

The birds at the feeders, all seem to say;
Today is such, a wonderful day.
If you feel down, and give a big sigh;
Look outside, nature's a high.

Family and friends, are such a pleasure;
Their pictures and memories, we all treasure.
A beautiful sunset, outside our door;
Reminds us of things, to be thankful for.

(sylvia finegan - being sick)

Saturday, June 04, 2005

past times... ?

saturday 4/6/05

"I am the pagan man. i speak for all my kind. when i state my opinion, my hollow piece of mind... you said that i'm an animal. well this at least is true. i'm a breathing thinking human being... what the hell are you...?"

the thought of my past clinging in my head whenever i'm all alone. i figured that wasn't the main issue... the main problem lies in the future. i always wanted to live my life to the full... i wanted to be everything i could, go everywhere i wish, do everything i'm capable of... my list of "to do" never ended... everytime i accomplish something, i always wanted to do more... the more i achieved, the more i realized... it's never enough... the more i get, the more i craved for some more... when will it end..?

The answer: "we can never get enough"... that's what makes us human... i remember the verse "I can't get no.. satisfaction.." by.. i guess a quarter of the worlds' population know who.. well that's part of the traits of being "a breathing thinking human being"... on the outside.. i'm quite tough... nobody could hurt me physically... i'm not afraid of anybody... not even ghosts, spirits, or whatever people may call it. in short... i'm strong, not easily broken, tough, i could endure hardship, viscid and durable. with all the toughness, i'm also weak... deep down... layers after layers of me (sounds like onion *ha ha*)... i'm quite vulnerable... no one knows that part of me (i like to keep it that way)...

i'm an audio/sound guy... certain tunes could make me trembles... certain tunes could make me weak... make me soft... i've been figuring out all these years why some songs affect me so much, why certain movie (that i said to myself) - was good; affect me not visually but thru audio... the intonation, the soundtrack, the audio effect... i don't know why.. but it does...

some people could taste colors, feel visual, taste or fell smells... but me, i'm touched by sounds... i could really imagine and associate certain songs with events whether related to me or not, it's not a concern... i started to realize this when i was really really small... i guess it's a gift for me.. everytime i heard certain songs, it reminded me to certain events. i seriously don't know why, i can't help it... it just came... the image just appear in my mind... some of it doesn't make sense at all as some of the tunes we're played during the 40's, 50's, 60's and even 70's.... part of where i wasn't even born. probly it's related to my past life as a music enthusiast.

i truly don't have the answer for that. during my primary and secondary years i used to buy "cassettes" (going for extinction)... some of which i never heard before.. this's what i did...

1. as soon as i got back, i pick up my walkman (also going to extinct) and play the song.

2. just for the fun of it, go thru the covers, lyrics, who made the album, who wrote the songs, when was it produced etc... (details)

3. i start listening to each and every song and picked the ones i liked the most.

4. for the fun of it also, i put preferences to the songs for it will hit the chart... and guess what...? most of the songs i picked went thru the chart... it freaked me out after some time... later i quit buying albums and listening first hand...

here's some riddles for my self...
- circle of friends - what happen to jack and benny?
- tony rich project - nobody knows...

Friday, June 03, 2005

memories

friday 3/6/05
"A memory is something we have. it can never be taken from us, it can be more precious than the present"

someone taught me the meaning of these sentences. it took me quite a while to realize what was meant by it. well basicly it just simply mean "you don't know what you have till it's gone." human beings... well most of us don't appreciate what in front of us. we tend to forget the value of the things we have, the person we're with and others. i am much wiser now, i try my very best to be thankful for what i am, what i have, where i am, the condition i'm in and the friends i have. not everybody realize this. as i went thru my memories... i realized i had a lot of good times and the same as much as bad times. at those specific moments i didn't realized that was the best times i had... i never regret. what's done is done... it's totally wasteful to regret things in the past; things i "should" have, memories i "should " experience... i'll live by the day. try to smell the roses every single day. i'm thankful that i breathe (and puff my red marlboro) every single morning with all of my body parts functioning well... i should feel great about myself... but i'm not.. somehow rather our past memories keeps on haunting us from the inside out. the thing with memories are... they tends to kill our living spirit as soon as we have the courage to live again. in the end if we look at it in a positive way... we'll get thru another day... i'll survive today...

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Reminiscence...

i'll be off till monday... i've gone thru one of my personal stuff during my younger years... it's quite amusing of what i was back then... the arts... some of the writings... the scribbles... it was in a white journal oldish notebook-like hard-covered pad...

here's some of what was scribbled...

remember me when i'm gone away
gone far away into silent land
when u can no more hold me by the hand
nor i half turn to go, yet turning to stay
remember me when no more, day by day
u tell me of our future that u planned
only remember me; u understand
it will be late to counsel then or pray
yet if u should forget me for a while
and afterwards remember, do not grieve
for if the darkness and corruption leave
a vestigate of the thoughts that once i had
better by far u should forget and smile
that u should remember and be sad...

i was quite young back then... i found this journal entry quite interesting... flash back lotsa memories as well as pain, anger, suicidal... i was quite young back then... it'd be more than a decade by now... how time flies...

here's some snippets of what was written among them... couldn't put the whole thing... some things are better left unsaid...

and i was dying inside to hold u...

u're so far away...

once upon a time this great alma mater was my domain where i discovered the true meaning of life. yet still...

i've passed in to the afterworld... to a place where lights can't intrude... i bear this curse trancending time... my pain denies me ur truth... dreaming to be free... yet damned to eternity...

well some of the writing doesn't make any sense at all... that's for me to know and for others to never find out...

free our mind from those sufferin stuff. it's not over when it's done. it's just the beginnin of our life. comparing each others' intelligent brain. ain't that stupid? don't they realize that we're still human. just to test our humanity? hell...

sorry to break anyones' feelin' but aint that just some ridiculous thing. we'll know that one day this bloody earth will be thronged with people like us. the chance of survivin' s small...

now it's your turn to break free and do what u've desired...

and among them remind me of something that i shouldn't remember...

BODY BLOOD
JOY PAIN
LIFE DEATH

i've been living in my own closed world... never did let anyone in... never shared... i like it that way... coz in the end... i will still be alone...

S.K.Y.C.L.A.D.

To whom it may concern (whoever that may be)
For I can think of no-one who has shown concern for me.
My last will and testament I now bequeath
To all those I trusted (to those who deceived me)
Though by hope deserted of this I am sure
That where I am going you'll hurt me no more.
While your plotting my downfall I'm planning my wake
Still you're trying to see how much more I can take
In this game that we're playing I know I can't win
And my dreams have all ended before they begin.

I fear I have been here too long for my own good
Outstaying my welcome when all the time I should
Have heeded my heart when it said take your bow
But I'm sadder and wiser and listening now.
In this life that you're leading you're fooling yourself
If you think you are better than anyone else
So shed not your tears for me now pretty child
For when I was crying - remember, you smiled.
The knife that I'm holding was never as sharp
As the words from your cruel lips that punctured my heart
Tell me where was your friendship in my hour of need
When you stood and you laughed while watching me bleed?

Don't talk to me of loneliness - don't speak to me of tears
For I have had enough of both to last a thousand years
"If music be the food of love" then let a famine rage
To starve my childish innocence before it comes of age.
One for the wish that would never come true
Two for the kisses betraying a fool
Three for the life that was my bed of nails
For there's only one answer when all else fails.

I beg you forgive me - I apologise
For wasting your time with such lengthy goodbyes
But as I depart - unto destiny kneel
I pray that one day you will know how I feel.
Goodbye.

I will do what I can. I am only one; but still I am one. I can't do everything but still I can do something. Therefore, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.

**** is such a strong four letter word. It could create havoc, depression, anger, hatred, happiness, temptations, affection, tenderness and almost 0.05 of the words in a simple dictionary. What does it mean? Does it mean anything at all? Same with the word soul� does it means anything? Where does the soul reside in your body? In the heart? Or maybe in your brain? Is it in the blood? Or maybe in the blood cell? Or even maybe in the DNA� god knows� we could never really determine the origin� well same goes with this word (**** the earlier word). It�s actually a feeling generated from within� maybe from the soul� or maybe from the dopamine enzyme the body releases. This is where people normally get butterfly stomach, state of confusion, dizziness, happiness and everything at the same time. I never blame others for what it (****) did to me. It�s just another phase of being human. Being human is very complicated. We got brains to think, muscles to move things, eyes to see things, nose to smell things, ear to hear things and senses to fell things. That�s according to most scientists. I used to think like a scientists� how they figure things out logically and rationally. But believe it or not� none of them knows the origin of the soul� none of them really knows where the feeling of **** came from. They know it�s there but they can�t see it nor prove it exists. Most people just feel it in themselves. They can express it but can�t pin point where it is. Who the hell created the word in the first place? Well here are some of the definitions and examples that might give some ideas of what the **** is�
� a strong positive emotion of regard and affection; any object of warm affection or devotion; have a great affection or liking for; used as terms of endearment; a deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction; get pleasure from; be enamored;
� **** was an American rock group of the 1960s and 1970s. They were led by singer, songwriter and guitarist Arthur Lee (born March 7, 1945 in Memphis). Signed to the Elektra Records label, the band in 1966 scored a hit with a cover version of Burt Bacharach's "My Little Red Book." Their second album, 1967's Da Capo, featured songs by Lee and Bryan MacLean, and is today regarded as one of the finest 1960s albums, with a combination of hard rockers
� **** has many meanings in English. It can mean an intense feeling of affection, an emotion or emotional state.
� **** was the impelling motive for manifestation. It is the creative, attractive force in the Universe. **** is magnetic, unifying; it creates understanding and is radiant. It cannot be limited to one person because it flows constantly from and to and through everything. **** introduces a new relationship among men. The fire of **** burns away all distinctions and makes us soul-centered individuals.
� Deep, tender affection, romantic attraction, a sense of oneness, intense desire, infatuation, sexual feelings, emotional attachment, and an enthusiastic predilection can all be called ****, and to **** is to feel or express any of these. It is not surprising that such an important word is very old, with many modern cousins. From the ancient Indo-European root leubh came a large family of words including Old English lufu, which led to ****. Also in the family are libido, believe, livelong, leave, and furlough, as well as German liebe (****) and archaic English adjective lief (****)
I�m quite sure by now, a lot of us could guess what is it� it will always be a mystery among couples. Among men and women. Among children and adults. Among us�.
The more I think of it� the more puzzled I would be. Some things are better left undisclosed. But what I know for sure� scientists could never figure this thing out even in a million years though everyone feel it almost every single day�.
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